The Hotfella: a pizza, not a gay dating site.

The Hotfella is Goodfella's new spicy pizza. It's like their regular frozen deep-pan only a bit spicier. I can't tell you much more than that because I was pretty drunk when I cooked it. Whenever I have a naughty little pre-bed, hangover-thwarting, booze pizza I wake up convinced that I left the oven on and burned my kitchen down, or worse, wasted loads of our gas credit. So far, to the best of my knowledge, I haven't caused any drunk pizza related fatalities, but that said, I can be quite unobservant and it's possible I'm directly responsible for numerous casualties in a Sgt. Frank Drebin from the Naked Gun kind of way. Happily whistling away, totally oblivious to the motorway pile up I just caused by throwing away that banana skin. Or something like that. Ignorance is bliss so it's probably best if I don't ask too many questions about my frequent memory blanks between 11pm and 4am, the bloody kitchen knives under my bed and the growing pile of prostitue corpses that I keep finding in my cupboard. I'll just do what Leslie Nielsen (R.I.P.) would; a wide-eyed grimace, a gulp and a nervous shuffle away from the scene of the crime. Because that will work. If slapstick comedy has taught us anything it's that old men know gymnastics, people being shot and falling off buildings is hilarious so long as they're relatively insignificant characters and that OJ Simpson was too funny to have done it.

I'm usually a bit of a wimp about really spicy food. Partly because it can give me a dicky belly, but also because once my brother decided he was a big dog and ordered a Vindaloo at an Indian restaurant. He got a third of the way through and had to be given two massive jugs of water, cucumber dipped in yoghurt and a cold towel on his forehead to stop him passing out. I'm way too self-conscious to handle that much attention. Anyway this pizza wasn't that spicy at all, and if there was any justice in the world then Will.I.Am's career would have gotten no further than 'Canned Goods Aisle Manager', and this pizza would be called something more accurate. Like the 'Warmfella', which in my opinion, sounds just as homoerotic, albeit in a slightly fuzzier, long-term commitment, kind of way.

6 out of 10

Goodfella's Takeaway Fajita Chicken

I might have to send Goodfella's another e-mail. Isn't having 'Takeaway' on the box of a frozen pizza a blatant lie? Surely a frozen pizza is the opposite of a takeaway pizza. Surely to be a takeaway pizza I should be able to ring up, order a pizza, turn up and TAKE a ready cooked pizza AWAY. Doesn't the fact I had to buy this in a supermarket and cook it myself totally undermine the whole of point of takeaway? Maybe by 'takeaway' they mean it (eventually) tastes like a takeaway pizza, you know, once you've done all the work. Accuse me of cynicism but, to me, that definition seems a little tenuous.

Semantics aside I have to give this pizza credit for breaking down ethnic boundaries. Mexico and Italy/America joining forces to create something that combines both their national dishes in one tasty meal. Next stop, haggis masala.

7 out of 10

Goodfella's Pepperoni Pocco

What's a Pocco? I don't know. I'm assuming it's Italian for 'mini-pizza' because it said Pocco on the box and there were mini-pizzas in the box. Seems logical enough but I thought I better check before, God forbid, I make a sweeping cultural assumption. On the Goodfella's website there isn't anything about them.* What's stranger is that if you type 'Pocco' into an Italian-English translator nothing comes out. It's almost as if they don't exist...

If they don't and I just imagined it then I have quite a tasty imagination. However, and I understand this is quite a silly criticism for a mini-pizza, it was a bit small. Now I know this is like complaining about a horror film by saying "It was good, but too scary" or jazz music by saying "it's all over the place, there's no tune" but this pizza didn't last long enough. Chicago Town have their mini-pizza size down to a T, although I do usually eat two of those at a time.

Actually scratch that, that's a perfectly acceptable criticism of jazz. I hate jazz. Jazz is rubbish. This pizza, fictional or not, was way better than jazz.

7 out of 10

*Don't worry, I've sent an e-mail to Goodfella's notifying them of this. I'll let you know how that goes down/if they send me free pizzas.