Pizza Express Capricciosa

I once got angry with Pizza Express for messing up my order. (Here I am in a rage that will burn your eyebrows off, read if you dare or need a quick alternative to plucking).

Guess what. It happened again. You'd think I would have totally hulked out and beat the waiter's face into a Sloppy Giuseppe, but I didn't. This was because, this time, it was my fault. In my head I definitely said "no olives" but turns out the waiter wasn't psychic so lo and behold: I got olives.

How great would psychic waiters be? They'd walk up to your table, everyone would be all quiet and thinking about what food they wanted and the waiter would just scribble it down, and at the end you wouldn't have to do the 'bill please wave', or ask for another drink or anything that involves the now glaring impracticalities of talking. They'd just know. From now on I'm tipping at 5% until they get psychic waiters.

When it said there was going to be egg on this guy I had an image of a fat, fried egg in the middle, which would have been great, not lame-o, boiled egg slices. A psychic waiter would have known this and sorted it out. Just saying.

7 out of 10

Cape Meat Feast

Cape's a South African restaurant in Nottingham that does 2 for 1 on all pizzas after 4pm. I don't know what's South African about it, I've never really thought of South Africa as having a regional cuisine. If racism was edible then maybe that could be the national dish, but until Nick Griffin starts selling BNPeanuts in Yorkshire pubs I don't think you can eat bigotry. In fact Cape may not even be a South African restaurant anymore, I'm pretty sure if it isn't, it used to be.

Anyway I like the pizzas at Cape because they bring them out on wooden chopping boards and you get your own pizza wheel. They're also nice and soft. Is that a really girly thing to like about a pizza? That it's got a delicate, fluffy texture? Do you think I'm a wimp for appreciating that? Do you think that when I eat a pizza that's too tough it hurts and I cry about it? Well, fuck you.

If I had one complaint it would be that my pizza was slightly deformed and my friend's had excess flour on the base. To me, this suggests that they were rush jobs. However this is a sort of double-edged criticism because we were running late for the cinema and had they taken their time I would of had to have watched Kick Ass two feet from the screen. Psychic chef, I salute you.

8.5 out 10