Pizza Sandwich 2

I tried this a while ago, and unless you consider mid-evening, self induced vomiting a sign of success, it was an unmitigated disaster. I refuse to believe the concept was the problem, because I still feel it's a pretty solid idea. I think where I went wrong the first time (aside from making the various life choices that led me to trying it in the first place) was that I let quantity take precedence over quality. I've since realised that when you're putting two pizzas on top of one another to make a giant pizza sandwich, quantity isn't really an issue. This was a mistake I was reluctant to make twice. Only reluctant, mind you, not incapable.

Anyway, Sainsbury's were doing a buy one get one free on Pizza Express and this seemed like enough of a sign to consider having another go at giving myself heart disease. Besides, other than being an atheist sceptic, who am I to deny fate itself?

One of the lessons I'd taken from last time was that despite what workaholic dentists may tell you, there is such a thing as too much filling. With this in mind, I bought one Sloppy Giuseppe and one Margherita. I'm OK with Pizza Express. Even though they're expensive and too small, they're still better than most store bought pizzas. Don't be too impressed by this however, because on the scale of achievements, 'being better than most store bought pizzas' sits between 'putting your shoes on the correct feet first time round' and 'getting through a bus journey without crying'.

Overall, it was pretty good. Certainly better than the last attempt, but then snorting a line of iron filings would have been better than the last attempt so who knows what that means. I certainly don't, and I wrote it, so what chance do you have?

7 out of 10

Pizza Express Capricciosa

I once got angry with Pizza Express for messing up my order. (Here I am in a rage that will burn your eyebrows off, read if you dare or need a quick alternative to plucking).

Guess what. It happened again. You'd think I would have totally hulked out and beat the waiter's face into a Sloppy Giuseppe, but I didn't. This was because, this time, it was my fault. In my head I definitely said "no olives" but turns out the waiter wasn't psychic so lo and behold: I got olives.

How great would psychic waiters be? They'd walk up to your table, everyone would be all quiet and thinking about what food they wanted and the waiter would just scribble it down, and at the end you wouldn't have to do the 'bill please wave', or ask for another drink or anything that involves the now glaring impracticalities of talking. They'd just know. From now on I'm tipping at 5% until they get psychic waiters.

When it said there was going to be egg on this guy I had an image of a fat, fried egg in the middle, which would have been great, not lame-o, boiled egg slices. A psychic waiter would have known this and sorted it out. Just saying.

7 out of 10

Pizza Express Pollo Ad Astra

I ordered this guy on a Romano base which means it was meant to be bigger but when it came it was on a regular base. Needless to say I was furious. Those Pizza Express guys are lucky I was too hungry to stonebake them alive in their own oven. 

I really like peppadew peppers. You can buy them in a jar and stick them in loads of things. Bolognese, curries, scrambled egg, sandwiches, loads of stuff, but this blog isn't called All Types of Food Ever-Quest so who gives a shit?

Anyway, yeah the pizza was good, and my Dad had taken me out so I didn't have to pay for it which was a bonus but the order mess up is going to cost you a couple of points Pizza Express. I know this kind of internet slam will potentially cost you millions but I'd feel I wasn't doing my job as a pizza critic if I let that kind of slip-up go unpunished. I apologise to the hundreds of faux-Italian waiting staff that will inevitably have to get a job in Zizzi's as a result of the fall out. Please don't wank in my pizza, I know what mozzarella looks like and what it doesn't.

7 out of 10