Pizza Express Capricciosa

I once got angry with Pizza Express for messing up my order. (Here I am in a rage that will burn your eyebrows off, read if you dare or need a quick alternative to plucking).

Guess what. It happened again. You'd think I would have totally hulked out and beat the waiter's face into a Sloppy Giuseppe, but I didn't. This was because, this time, it was my fault. In my head I definitely said "no olives" but turns out the waiter wasn't psychic so lo and behold: I got olives.

How great would psychic waiters be? They'd walk up to your table, everyone would be all quiet and thinking about what food they wanted and the waiter would just scribble it down, and at the end you wouldn't have to do the 'bill please wave', or ask for another drink or anything that involves the now glaring impracticalities of talking. They'd just know. From now on I'm tipping at 5% until they get psychic waiters.

When it said there was going to be egg on this guy I had an image of a fat, fried egg in the middle, which would have been great, not lame-o, boiled egg slices. A psychic waiter would have known this and sorted it out. Just saying.

7 out of 10

Pizza Hut Buffet

About two years ago I made a promise to myself that I would never have the Pizza Hut buffet again. Sorry me, turns out I'm/you're an untrustworthy, weak-willed sneak. In my defence I only ate it for the sake of this review, because I was walking by and that it's £5.49 for unlimited pizza.

PIZZA FACTS:

1. Pizza Hut pizzas are cooked in motor oil.
2. That whole 'Pasta Hut' thing never happened. It was just a dream you once had.
3. The CEO of Pizza Hut is called Jabba. 

These are just a selection of the slices. I didn't want to review them all because it would be boring for you and embarrassing for me. I'm not going to tell you my magic number either. It's gross.

No meat? Seriously? There was a mysterious yellow cube on this guy, I didn't know what it was, all I know is that it wasn't meat and was poorer for it.

4 out of 10

This guy had little white lumps on that turned out to be chicken. He also had BBQ sauce instead of tomato. I really like BBQ sauce on pizzas. This is an awful, shameful secret that I hide from people like I'd hide the dead bodies of nine-year olds in my attic. (Don't worry, I don't have an attic).

7 out of 10

Pepperoni.

I almost wrote 'nuff said'. God, imagine if I had. That would have been dreadful. 

6 out of 10

This was a slice of Hawaiian. It was only when I got back to the table that I realised there was no ham on it, just pineapple. It was a fruit pizza, and therefore one of my five a day. Healthy living!

5 out of 10

Gregg's Pepperoni

This guy costs £1.19, had six pieces of pepperoni on and was slightly smaller than my hand. Those are probably the most interesting pieces of information about this little chap I can think of. I read somewhere that there are more Gregg's in the north of England than Starbucks. I don't really know what can be gleaned from this, perhaps sausage rolls are more popular in the north (likely) or expensive coffee with names that are hard to pronounce is less popular (also likely). Whatever the reason I don't think I care, sausage rolls can fuck off.

Gregg's needs to sort out their pepperoni distribution. If I hadn't specifically asked for this particularly meat-heavy guy I could have ended up paying the same price for what is known in the industry as a 'PepperNOni'. I wouldn't have been happy about that. Just thinking about it is going to cost you points Gregg or Gregg's. Also, stop hogging all the the 'G's, 50% of a name should never be made up of the same letter, that's just weird.

4 out of 10

(%) PIZZA FIGHT! (%)

Chicago Town Deep Pan Pepperoni  VS. Chicago Town BBQ Chicken 

Woah. Pizza fight! How exciting. I thought just reading about me eating pizza might've been getting a little stale so I'm shaking things up with the welcome introduction of some cheese and tomato violence. Now these pizzas didn't have a fight in the traditional sense. I guess it wasn't really a fight, more a competition, but either way there were a lot of bad vibes. If they hadn't have been so busy being digested these pizzas would have totally snubbed each other at the end-of-game hand shake.

Because I'm an idiot and didn't think it through the photos above don't really give you any idea of the scale of these dudes. You'll have to take my word for it when I say this battle was the pizza equivalent of David and Goliath. The pepperoni guy was a fat hulk of a pizza, and the chicken dude was just a frail, prepubescent, sissy pizza.

I've never invested too much time into the whole bible thing. It's really long and someone spoiled the end for me, (he comes back to life), but there's actually some truth in there, at least if the David and Goliath chapter is anything to go by. Turns out the big one was too stodgy but the little guy had just the right amount of stodge. Way to go God. Good call.

If you're a total heathen and the biblical analogy is a bit too righteous for you then think of it like this: If Chicago Town pizzas were alcoholic spirits, a shot's manageable, but trying to drink a pint glass of gin would be pretty hard work.

Goodfella's Takeaway Fajita Chicken

I might have to send Goodfella's another e-mail. Isn't having 'Takeaway' on the box of a frozen pizza a blatant lie? Surely a frozen pizza is the opposite of a takeaway pizza. Surely to be a takeaway pizza I should be able to ring up, order a pizza, turn up and TAKE a ready cooked pizza AWAY. Doesn't the fact I had to buy this in a supermarket and cook it myself totally undermine the whole of point of takeaway? Maybe by 'takeaway' they mean it (eventually) tastes like a takeaway pizza, you know, once you've done all the work. Accuse me of cynicism but, to me, that definition seems a little tenuous.

Semantics aside I have to give this pizza credit for breaking down ethnic boundaries. Mexico and Italy/America joining forces to create something that combines both their national dishes in one tasty meal. Next stop, haggis masala.

7 out of 10

Dr. Oetker Ristorante Pizza Salame

It would be easy to lump Dr. Oetker in with other guys that aren't really doctors, like Dre, Fox and Who, but guess what, if you did, you'd be wrong. He actually was a Doctor. I've done about three minutes of research on him and it turns out that at the beginning of the 20th century Germans must have been pretty healthy because Dr. Oetker had enough time on his hands to invent a baking powder called 'Backin', which I think sounds like a Ludacris song.

Anyway there's a dark chapter in the Dr. Oetker history they don't tell you about on the box, (or the website, I had to rely on my initiative and use underground sources like Wikipedia). In the 1930's the owner of the Dr. Oetker company, the Doctor's son-in-law, was a total Nazi. The company even won some Nazi business award. This is their original design for the Pizza Salame:

Links with genocidal fascists aside, Dr. Oetker make a pretty sweet pizza. The base is thin without being flimsy and they have this yummy basil pesto stuff that's ace. I am going to dock a couple of points for the whole holocaust thing though.

6.5 out of 10

Domino's Tandoori Hot on 'Dominator' Base

I didn't expect this pizza to go very well and was trying it more of an experiment than because I wanted yet more cheese. For a start, and I know I've said this before, I feel 'Dominator' sounds a little threatening. Like there's a chance that when I open the box, this pizza will jump out and rape me, and in a way it did. Mercifully, with cheese instead of a penis.

In case you're blissfully ignorant of what a Dominator base is, it's when Domino's try and smuggle even more cheese into you by stuffing not just the crust, but the entire pizza with an extra layer of cheese. Sometimes I imagine my mouth as the U.S./Mexican border, Domino's as a Columbian drug/cheese-baron and their pizzas as poor South Americans who have been bullied into swallowing condoms full of cheese to try and sneak past me. Like I'll look at the pizza and be all "Yep, everything seems to be in order. Move along please" but secretly there's all this extra cheese they think I don't know about. Obviously I do know, because I can taste it and it's gross. It's like Dairylea but with herbs, i.e. not really cheese.

I've made up a not-very-funny pizza/music joke:

Q: What's the Big Pink's favourite pizza delivery service?

A: Domino's!

LOL Edmonds or what?

4 out of 10